‘I applied for MAFS 2025 and sir, why do you need to know my weight?’

So applying for MAFS is an interesting process because the first thing they want from me is my solemn vow that this is a genuine application and okay 😬 Sure. 

I definitely don’t just want to hang out with John Aiken.

“Please answer all questions in an honest and clear manner,” begs the form and no, sir, I shan’t because I’ve seen what happens on this show and I don’t believe that would be in my best interests. Besides, let’s not lie to ourselves: the best bits on MAFS are when people are shady, so I think it’s worth kicking things off on the right foot.

PSA to anyone else thinking of applying for arranged love: there are a lot of questions here. Already this is feeling like way more effort than I’m really willing to put in for love because it would be easier to order a pizza, and I’m approximately 97 percent sure it would make me just as happy as a man.

Maybe… happier? Because, cheese.

After I’ve promised on my (hypothetical) firstborn’s life that I am doing this of my own free will and out of a burning desire for love and NOT because I want more Instagram followers or teeth-whitening brand partnerships or to meet John Aiken or ANYTHING LIKE THAT, they start with the most vital question of all: What do I weigh?

Because of course they do. Because this is an INTEGRAL PART OF ANY QUEST FOR TRUE LOVE and something I like to ask anyone before I consider dating them.

Oh but wait, they want my height too, so that makes… still not much sense? Unless my match is based on my BMI which, honestly? Might just be how they work these matches out. Because clearly matching personalities, values and consideration for what contestants are looking for aren’t always on the agenda.